What Is The Best Line Of The Office?
Yesterday I mentioned the poll on E!. In the comments to that post, Brian wondered why there was no “best line award.” He then offered, “I’m going to drop a deuce on everybody” as the sure winner.
Since E! didn’t do it, let’s do it here. What has been the best line on the show thus far? What line gets you every time?
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June 11th, 2006 18:48
“It’s really incalcucable” still makes me laugh out loud every time.
June 11th, 2006 18:49
“Tit for tit!”
“Why are you the way that you are?”
“I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.”
June 11th, 2006 18:59
“You can’t fire me, I don’t work in this van!”, makes me crack up, no matter how many times I hear it.
June 11th, 2006 19:02
“He’s a purple belt that’s really high.”
June 11th, 2006 19:07
Becky, quote three that you chose is a definite contender!
June 11th, 2006 19:08
This morning I hit myself in the head with the phone.
June 11th, 2006 20:14
“I’m in love with you.”
June 11th, 2006 20:46
Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it’s Friday. Annnd… that’s what I’ll be working on this afternoon.
June 11th, 2006 20:59
theres way too many for me to pick just one but id have to say it was this one
Michael: AIDs is not funny. Believe me, I’ve tried.
some reason that line gets me everytime
June 11th, 2006 21:03
“Maybe some spaghetti”-Kevin in Diversity Day
June 11th, 2006 21:09
I hate…so much about, the things you choose to be…
June 11th, 2006 21:54
“I’m a really bad bluffer…..Did you catch me bluffing?”
June 12th, 2006 02:28
Michael says,”Every morning I like to have breakfast in bed, sue me. So before I go to bed every night, I lay six pieces of becon on my George Forman grill next to my bed (but I don’t turn it on).I wake up and plug in the grill. This morning when I woke up to smell my becon, I clamped my foot down on the grill. I don’t what is so hard to believe about that?” (camera shows Mickael’s ‘bubble wraped’ cast.)
June 12th, 2006 03:55
“you might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff deputy?” “We test a lot of urine.” “But mine was green.”
June 12th, 2006 04:10
Jim: “Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And well, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.”
June 12th, 2006 04:18
Angela screaming “Arms at your sides!” during the fire alarm.
Stanley: It’s collard greens.
Michael: What?
Stanley: It’s collard greens.
Michael: Uh, that doesn’t really make sense, cause you don’t call them “collard people.” That’s offensive.
Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.
June 12th, 2006 04:33
I find it difficult to choose just one, so I’ll just go with the one that my friends and I have been quoting the most lately…
“May we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome?”
June 12th, 2006 04:47
I don’t know if it’s the all time best but one that always gets me is:
“You wouldn’t arrest a guy who’s just delivering drugs from one guy to another.”
June 12th, 2006 05:12
Toby is in HR which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s really not a part of our family. Also he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.
June 12th, 2006 05:14
The one that always gets me is Dwight from “The Fight”
“Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I’ve been hired to protect?!”
I think it’s all in the delivery.
June 12th, 2006 05:26
It doesn’t matter how many times I have heard it, but Dwight Saying to Oscar:
“So Tell me Oscar, have you ever pooped a balloon?”
I have even used that quote in general coversation. It’s a hoot!
June 12th, 2006 05:35
I’m almost sorry I brought this up because it’s impossible to choose. That said, I’m rescinding the nomination I made that started this thread in favor of Chris B’s…
“So tell me Oscar, have you ever pooped a balloon.”
It’s an immutable rule of comedy: You can’t top a line with the word poop in it.
June 12th, 2006 06:50
Dwight, from “Diversity Day”:
“AW MAN, AM I A WOMAN???”
June 12th, 2006 07:29
“Whatchoo looking for? Ain’t nobody gonna help you out there. JESUS could come through that door and he’s not going to help you if you don’t stop sniffin’ after my child!”
June 12th, 2006 07:56
For what it’s worth, the E! Online Poll did have an award for Best Line.
The Office wasn’t nominated though, so this is way better!
Michael: “The offer, Dwight, was for one punch, which I absorbed. I had no idea there’d be a second punch, so … catch-22.”
June 12th, 2006 08:10
I can’t belive no one has said this line yet. I think it’s the best one out of the whole series…
“That’s what she said.”
June 12th, 2006 09:50
From the pilot - “You’ve been X-punked!”
Other favorites:
“Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn’t hit her.”
“Let’s hope the only downsizing that happens here is that someone downsizes your age.”
June 12th, 2006 10:42
Mine our mostly Dwighisms, the first one that comes to mind.
“I didn’t join the Lackawanna Volunteer Sheriff’s Department to make friends. And so far I haven’t.”
June 12th, 2006 10:54
Creed - “Which one is Pam?” (The Secret)
Micheal - “I might just be a basketball machine” (Basketball)
June 12th, 2006 10:56
Wow, I am so glad I asked this question. You guys are bringing back so many good lines that I forgot about.
June 12th, 2006 11:14
It’s a good thing Dwight doesn’t work for the post office.
“ID badges are long over do. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I were deranged?”
June 12th, 2006 11:24
We all have a hero in our heart…..
June 12th, 2006 11:45
Dwight: “And as Lex Luther said to his father, ‘You have no idea what I am capable of’”
Michael: “Is that from Superman?”
Dwight: “No, Smallville”
June 12th, 2006 11:58
“Best Line? How do you choose just one???
“How does it feel to be another race? It feels pretty bad, doesn’t it?”
- Michael Scott
http://www.michaelscott.tv
June 12th, 2006 12:00
Pam: “Please don’t throw garbage at me.”
June 12th, 2006 12:42
“I don’t believe you….continue.”
Always my favorite Dwight moment from the season 2 finale.
June 12th, 2006 12:51
“I consider myself a great philanderer”
June 12th, 2006 13:34
Well,
Since “I Love You,” was already used, iwould have to say “I think i am,” when Pam is talking to her mom before Jim comes back into the office and they kiss, is probably the next best thing.
I love those two!!!
June 12th, 2006 13:47
Jim’s “I’m in love with you.”
“Abraham Lincoln once said that ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North’ and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.” - Michael
June 12th, 2006 13:58
Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. ‘Little Kid Lover’. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
June 12th, 2006 14:00
Michael: “I know a bunch of 14 year old girls that can kick Dwight’s ass.”
Jim: “You know a bunch of 14 year old girls?”
Dwight: “What belt are they?”
————
Dwight: “Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”
——
Dwight: “I have been Michael’s number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”
June 12th, 2006 14:29
“We all have a hero in our heart.”
-Dwight on Diversity Day
CRACKS ME UP!
June 12th, 2006 14:35
I don’t want to work, I just wanna bang on this mug all day.
June 12th, 2006 14:41
Dwight: Well it’s Valentine’s Day, and you guys, you know.
Michael: Yeeeaaaa.
Dwight: He he he. Screwed.
Michael: What is your problem?
June 12th, 2006 14:41
I think the best line in the show is unspoken. It’s Ryan’s reaction to the Dwight/Angela “Will there be cookies?…What if I WANT cookies?” conversation. I still laugh out loud anytime I think of that his reaction to that.
June 12th, 2006 15:28
From the bonus materials… Dwight’s perfect date with Koni Kotaka either;
“blood on the dancefloor” or “she was also a survivor of monster rape”
June 12th, 2006 15:50
Diversity Day:
Kevin:”Do you want to go to the beach?”
Angela:”…yes.”
Kevin:”…do ya wanna get high?”
Angela:”…no.”
Kevin:”…oh I think ya do, mon.”
Michael shows his bubble-wrapped foot to Stanley:
Michael:”WHAT DOES THIS LOOK LIKE TO YOU?!”
Stanley:”…like mailboxes etcetera.”
George
June 12th, 2006 15:54
Ohhh there’s so many!
My favorite Jim line: “It absolutely is a toy, aragato.”
Pam line: “You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.”
Dwight: “Oh. my. god” (after Jim makes the coatrack move) and “You can’t fire me, I don’t work in this van!”
Michael: “I hate so much about the things you choose to be.”
Ryan: “If I were a betting man, I’d say Jim will spend a fun weekend in Phildelphia.” (or something like that
and Kelly: “This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston!”
June 12th, 2006 16:02
“Let’s go over these symptoms of marijuana use. Shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: ’slow moving, inattentive, duuuuuull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation….’”
::Kevin nods his head::
Kevin: “Heeey…”
June 12th, 2006 16:44
Lynn had it right!
Dwight: “I don’t believe you. Continue.”
I have started using this line! LOVE IT!
June 12th, 2006 17:36
Dwight crawling on the floor in “The Fire”:
Stat means now!
June 12th, 2006 18:37
Jim: “What has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer?” [Points to himself]”THIS GUY.”
June 12th, 2006 19:28
Ryan to Todd: “Are you a big William Hung fan?”
Angela: “I think green is kind of whorish.”
Ryan: “How many Filet o’ Fishes did you eat?”
Michael Scott: “That’s over several months, Ryan.”
Ryan: “Still…”
June 12th, 2006 19:36
Dwight: Michael said, “We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them. And in that way, we honor them.”
June 12th, 2006 21:05
I don’t know how the line goes but Michael said it in “Casino Night” Something like “I want to see this play like I need a bullet in the head.” I’m not sure but it was hysterical!
June 13th, 2006 03:47
Michael: One time or the other, every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam. (cut scene from S1 DVD)
Michael: I hate…so much about, the things you choose to be…
Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Um… Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
June 13th, 2006 04:03
“Ryan started the fire!”
June 13th, 2006 04:53
Michael: (unable to remain sitting and quiet) I’m, okay, I’m, I’m sorry, (looks at Mr. Brown) I’m sorry, he’s ruin.., he’s butchering it. I, I’m, could you just let me, every time, (starts impression) EVERY TIME BLACK PEOPLE WANNA HAVE A GOOD TIME, SOME IDIOT ASS…(BLEEP)
Mr. Brown: Whoa, whoa, whoa now.
Michael: I TAKE CARE OF MY KID! (BLEEP)
Mr. Brown: Wait, wait, wait a second, you don’t need to go there. Okay? Please stop it, stop it, stop it, please stop…
Michael: THEY ALWAYS WANT CREDIT FOR SOMETHING THEY SUPPOSED TO DO.
Mr. Brown: STOP IT!!!!
(Silence)
June 13th, 2006 07:09
I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip
I do not think that is funny
June 13th, 2006 07:14
Phyllis: Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
[pause]
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?
June 13th, 2006 07:44
Michael: The hand strikes, and gives a flower..
***
Roy: Then what is your type?
Jim: Moms, mostly. Soccer moms, single moms, nascar moms, any kind of mom really.
Roy: That’s gross
Kevin: Stay away from my mom
Jim: Too late, Kev.
***
Ryan: How many Filet ‘O Fishes did you eat?
Michael: That’s over several months, Ryan!
June 13th, 2006 07:56
I can’t believe I forgot this one the first time around….
“Sure I went hunting one time. I shot a deer in the leg. Spent an hour killing it with a shovel. Why do you ask?” -Michael
June 13th, 2006 08:43
Dwight: ” My grandfather was buried in it, so it’s a family heirloom.”
June 13th, 2006 09:52
dwights song- joe macarthy, richard nixon, studebaker, television, north korea, south korea, MARILYN MONROE, RYAN STARTED THE FIRE!
or
Kevin in Email Survailenence- not so fast, firwe guy
June 13th, 2006 09:54
Michael: “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley….Airplane”
June 13th, 2006 10:11
I can’t believe no one put this one!
PHOTOGRAPHER: Smile
DWIGHT: NO.
DWIGHT: I never smile if I can help it. In the world of chimpanzees, showing your teeth is a sign of weakness. The only chimp you’ll see smiling is one begging for its life.
(Or something along those lines… So great.)
June 13th, 2006 10:25
Oh I forgot my favorite Angela line, from The Fire:
“HANDS AT YOUR SIDES, HANDS AT YOUR SIDES!!!!”
June 13th, 2006 19:20
Michael: I can’t take a bath with Pam, no matter how much I might want to.
Pam: He said what?!
That was right before the end of one of the season 1 episodes.
June 14th, 2006 01:22
Dwight: I am better at hiding … than deer are … at … vision.
June 14th, 2006 12:10
Dwight: It has to be official, and it HAS to be urine.
June 14th, 2006 13:54
Michael Scott: “Think about this: what is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That’s why I always start with a gun, because you can’t top it. You just can’t.”
June 14th, 2006 14:00
Toby: You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again?
Michael Scott: I put a cigarette through a freakin’ quarter! And you know what, Toby? They almost bought from us!
June 14th, 2006 16:41
pam - “i feel god in this chili’s tonite.”
June 14th, 2006 17:41
Michael: “Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow……..candy.
I’d love a piece of candy right now.”
Michael: “Last week I would’ve given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would’ve reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, ‘Uh, no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.’ ”
Dwight:
“Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.”
“Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey, the mailman.
They had too many kids so they made up roles like that.
I was good.”
“A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.”
So hard to choose…god I love the office
June 14th, 2006 20:49
Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral I have ever seen. That and my sister’s.
Or something like that.
June 15th, 2006 04:48
“Chili’s is the new golf course.”
I just used that one yesterday….I love The Office!
June 15th, 2006 06:47
Question: where can I put my terrarium?
June 15th, 2006 13:59
Stanley: ‘That was no hate crime.’
Michael: ‘Well, I hated it.’
June 16th, 2006 02:00
toss up:
But if you leave then we’ll only have two.
- Diversity Day
I thought you had your vagina removed last year.
- Health Care Plan
June 16th, 2006 06:23
Dwight: Count Chocolitis
Jim: Sounds tough
Dwight: Why did you write that, is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you really?
June 16th, 2006 06:46
“Hi, Mr. Poop.” - Meredith’s son
June 16th, 2006 21:35
OMG has no one said this?
“that would just be malfeasance for malfeasances…s sack”
I love The Office!!!!!!!
June 17th, 2006 13:43
At the bar on Casino Night -
Ryan: I’ll have a 7 & 7 with 8 maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.
Jim: So that’s still going on.
June 18th, 2006 07:12
somebody making soup?
June 18th, 2006 14:47
Michael: Well….happy birthday Jesus, sorry your party’s so lame.
And this one goes out to a certain someone:
Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight:Danger.
June 19th, 2006 04:18
i think it would be interesting to see this broken down into best michael line, best pam line, etc.
there might be more discussion of just what a particular character’s best line is. and the results could also be used in expanding the character profiles on the site.
June 19th, 2006 16:42
From Healthcare:
Dwight: Who did this? I’m not mad, I just want to know who did this so I can punish them.
Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is “Ow, I hurt my leg, a lion eats me, and I’m dead.” Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.
The Alliance:
Jim: It has something to do with Survivor, and we may build a fort.
Jim: From now on, we should just assume that everyone is trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight: Why us? Why us?
Jim: Because we’re strong, Dwight, because we’re strong.
Jim: We shouldn’t go in together. You should stay out here for another five minutes or so. Pretend to smoke.
The Fire:
Jim: Okay, Angela, your turn.
Angela:…The Bible.
Jim: Okay, that’s one…two more…
Angela: The Purpose Driven Life.
Jim: Okay, good, useful. One more.
Angela: No.
Dwight: I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.
June 20th, 2006 12:41
New York is like Scranton on crack.
June 20th, 2006 16:59
I steal things all the time. It’s just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I’ve taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things. - Creed
Hahaha
June 20th, 2006 22:24
I think there ought to be one for best overall gag, be it verbal or nonverbal. Because the visual from beginning of “The Client” is my favorite office moment.
Michael dancing around in his Levis is about the funniest thing I can recall from the show.
As far as spoken lines, I have to say one of my favorites is from Michael’s homemade video in “Valentine’s Day”:
“Well I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like in Dunder-Mifflin Scranton. What it’s like to walk a mile in Oscar’s shoes. Or try on Phyllis’ pants.”
Always make me laugh.
I hope this show runs for a long time.
But that’s unrealistic. You know networks.
June 21st, 2006 18:15
i forgot this quote
“I invited Dwight because I’m pretty sure my roommate doesn’t believe Dwight exists,(pause) Dwight is very real.
From “Email Surveillance”
I love Jim!
June 23rd, 2006 20:41
Angela: The DaVinci Code. I would bring The DaVinci Code. So I could burn The DaVinci Code.
August 20th, 2006 19:27
Michael: “My Heros would be Bob Hope, Abraham Lincoln *pause* Bono, and probably God would be the fourth one. They all had a huge impact on the world. It’s simply beyond words. It’s incalcucable”
I crack up just typing it.
August 30th, 2006 14:53
Dwight: “The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.”
From the episode “Hot Girl” from Season One.
September 14th, 2006 18:34
from the Booze Cruise episode:
Dwight: “Don’t worry Michael, I’m steering us to shore!”
Michael: “IT’S A FAKE WHEEL, DUMMY!”
September 9th, 2007 20:20
“You’ve been granted level 3 security-
don’t get excited, its out of 20.”–Dwight.
October 19th, 2007 10:39
Michael:
“I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life, they did the best they could, and she is going to be ok.”
“His capa was De-tated from his head.”
“I’m not Superstitious, but I’m a little stitious.”